Bleediing Perseverance - Episode 26

Autobiography Fridays

CHAPTER 10b

Love: The Greatest Sorrow

On February 8 th, just a couple of days after transferring to Grant, Lupe told me she and her family would be coming by my apartment that evening and that she had something important to talk to me about. Of course I was happy because I could never get too much of her.

That evening the whole gang dropped by. After about an hour of shooting the breeze Lupe and I stepped out to have a moment alone before me and Mom would drive them all home.

We lived in an upstairs unit and I can remember walking over to the set of stairs as I asked Lupe what she had wanted to talk about. It had stuck in the forefront of my mind since earlier in the day when she first mentioned it. Being the type of person I was, I was attentive to everything about her. At first she shied away from the subject and said forget it, but I was genuinely interested. After some coaxing she agreed to tell me what was on her mind and we went downstairs to the car.

With me sitting in the driver’s seat and her on the passenger side, (how ironic, because metaphorically it would soon become the opposite) she began to tell me about her past and how she had had many boyfriends before meeting this guy named Robert. Robert was the guy who had taken her virginity, and therefore was the one she had an emotional connection with. She then proceeded to tell me I had been the best boyfriend she had ever had, but that Robert had recently asked her to marry him. And that she had said yes.

I was speechless. My heart sank like never before. It had been only a couple of days since I had started at Grant and now it was for nothing. I really didn’t know what to say. I should have fought for her while sitting in that car, but I was too shocked. All I could do was sit there as she said she hoped I understood, and to please not tell my mom because she didn’t want to disappoint her.

Mom and Lupe’s family were now headed downstairs and towards the car. I assured her I wouldn’t say anything, and then we sat in the back seat as everyone got in.

On the ride to Lupe’s house I was silent. I immediately started comparing things from now to how they were just fifteen minutes earlier. Lost and devastated in such a short period of time. With all familiar surroundings I saw and heard, I thought to myself, If only I could go back to the last time I saw and heard these things/ That’s when life was perfect. That’s when we were still together.

Why in the hell had I insisted on wanting to know what she wanted to talk about?! What if I would have left it alone after she said never mind? We would still be together.

Normally when dropping them off I’d be kissing Lupe goodbye, but not this time. Nobody picked up on it. And although Mom kinda sensed something when I wasn’t talking on the way back home, I stayed true to my word and didn’t tell her what had happened.

Once we got back to the apartment I went straight to the bathroom and locked the door. It was there that I finally broke down. I had never cried so deeply in my life. Although I wasn’t the little kid Mom could beat on anymore, I would have taken one of those beatings in a second if it meant not having to experience this new pain. I would have done anything to have Lupe back.

After several minutes of tears saturating my face I reached up to the medicine cabinet and took out a razor blade. I then placed it against my wrist, half of me saying slice it while the other said, There’s still a way! There has to be a way! We’re gonna get her back!

Well, I couldn’t get her back if I were dead, so with hope being the only thing to live for I started to think of how I could win her back. I’d write her a letter. And so I did, pouring my heart out to her and asking for one more chance. I gave the letter to Angie the next day at school to give to Lupe and hoped for the best.

A reply never came. During the day I’d be fighting back the tears, whether I was in class or sweeping floors. At night I’d be in the bathroom with the razor blade to my wrist, the voice of reason telling me there was still hope, while the other part of me just wanted to end it all. I was in that bathroom every night, the hell I was going through bringing me closer to death’s door than ever before.

Lupe had broken up with me a week before Valentine’s Day. It would have been my first real one. I had written her another letter and again didn’t receive a response. I didn’t have the courage to just walk up and start talking to her about it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get it out, which is why I just stuck to pen and paper.

She once came up to me though, very briefly. Long enough to give me the Valentine’s Day card she had planned to give me when we were still together. The front was covered in pink glitter, surrounding a bear hugging a heart. Inside it said, ‘I never dreamed I’d meet somebody like you.’ What was I suppose to do with that card?! Add it to my tortured soul of what could have been?!

I had started working at McDonald’s on the weekends. Lupe’s mom was one of the managers, and before the break up had been looking into getting me a job there. Lupe also worked there part time, which is why beforehand the thought of us working together thrilled me. Ironically, it was only after she left me that I got the job. We were never scheduled for the same shift, which might have been a good thing. I don’t know. I wasn’t there that long. Under the circumstances I didn’t want to be there. That and the fact that I’d always be burning my fingers on that damn part of the grill you had to pull down to place on top of the hamburger patties.

It only took a few days before Lupe’s family found out about the break up. They wanted her to come back to me because they knew I was better for her than anyone else, but they also knew she wasn’t seeing things straight because of Robert. They filled me in on what a mess he had been in her life. On how he was always cheating on her, breaking up with her and then getting back together. When I heard he had proposed marriage to her quite a few times in the past, with nothing ever coming out of it, I wrote yet another letter. How could she believe him after he proved himself over and over to be a liar?! Again, no answer. Her mother said she had tried keeping the two apart in the past, but no matter what she did they would always end up back together. It was difficult because they only lived a few houses from each other.

I couldn’t help but think how life would be like if Lupe and I would have actually went all the way while on the couch that evening weeks earlier. If I would have gotten her pregnant then I would be the one she would look forward to marrying. Some of you might be thinking what kind of life could I have offered her at such a young age. And to that I would say you obviously haven’t gotten to know me well enough yet, so keep reading. My driven nature is what has gotten me to where I am today. Besides, that loser Robert was only a year older than me. And lastly, need I bring up the past? Of how in every culture couples used to marry at a very young age? And remained together until death?

Unfortunately with today’s modern ways, infidelity is in every culture now. The bottom line is this: As adults, the majority of us can look back on our past experiences with wiser eyes. With that said, I can look back and honestly say I was ready for marriage at fifteen. Probably one of the very few that truly were, but the truth remains. I’m not like most others.

I continued racking my brain for answers on how to get Lupe back into my world. Once, I thought if I could just get her alone for a few days she’d fall in love with me. (How close had she been when we were actually together? Before that damn Robert came back around?!) If we had a couple of days all to ourselves I just knew I’d be able to win her over. I was trying to plan it on a weekend when Mom would be away on one of her congicals with Fred. We wouldn’t leave the apartment all weekend. It would just be the two of us.

Eating…

Watching movies…

Making love…

Although I didn’t tell her mother exactly what I was planning, I asked her if Lupe agreed could I have her over for the weekend? That I believed I could win her over that way. She gave me her blessing if I could get Lupe to go along with it, so I wrote another letter. My invitation was ignored.

I know, I know, why didn’t I just talk to her in person? Remember, I had always been a shy kid. I couldn’t express myself as well in person as I could with pen and paper. It was the only way I could get everything out that I was feeling. Unfortunately, she wasn’t the type to respond to letters.

At the beginning of this book I said I would be blurring photos of people I include in this autobiography. Well, I’m going to go back on that for this part. Lupe hurt me so badly, almost to the point of me taking my own life. So I think I deserve to share this photo with you. It was taken at Folsom State prison, during one of the times we were visiting our step dads.

So here she is. The girl who won my heart only to obliderate it.