Bleeding Perseverance - Episode 38

Autobiography Fridays

As with most of the chapters in my life, a little desired romance was bound to creep in while there in Riverside. Believe me, it’s not like I went out looking for it. The potential just always seemed to find me. Unfortunately I couldn’t shake the shyness that had plagued me since childhood. I knew once I would be in a relationship I wouldn’t have any problems communicating but getting past that initial stage of courtship always proved to be my downfall.

Towards the end of 1992 I happen to be outside one afternoon while the mail lady was delivering on our street. As she approached our mailbox in her little mail jeep her beauty caught my eye. Struck by cupid’s arrow, I made sure I was out there at the same time the following day. And there she was again, looking so attractive in her postal uniform. After a few days of peering from a distance I took out Mom’s outgoing mail in person, acting as though I had made it just in time. A sweet hello came from that beautiful smile, and then we exchanged mail.

I soon began retrieving the mail in person on a daily basis. Thinking back on it now, I must have been so damn obvious. But how I enjoyed such momentary bliss. It was like looking at a painting of a beauty from long ago, only she was alive and right there in front of me.

Her name was Renee and she was of Caucasian descent. I would never want to offend her by guessing the wrong age, but I think it would be safe to say she was in her late twenties to early thirties. Even if she happened to be older, I couldn’t care less about her age. So what about that special princess of purity I had been holding out for? Well, if Renee turned out to be my destiny, then let it be.

By the beginning of 1993 a month or so had passed of my ‘school boy crush’. At least that’s what Renee thought of it. An infatuation to be flattered by, but nothing more. How did I know? Did she tell me in person? No, it was always a friendly smile and hello, that’s it. Mom had picked up on her point of view after briefly talking to her on other matters. It was one of the few days I didn’t come out to retrieve the mail, so Renee asked about me. Perhaps she was just giving off such a vibe because she didn’t want Mom thinking she was some kind of cradle robber. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, but since she hadn’t dismissed me in person I kept hope alive.

When Valentine’s Day rolled around I couldn’t hold back any longer. My back surgery was a month away and who knew how long I’d be incapacitated, so I decided to go for broke.

First I went to Tyler Mall to look for something romantic but subtle. Finally I decided on a crystal shelf ornament of a humming bird feeding from a flower. Adding to that a box of Godiva chocolate, I then sat down with the ol’ pen and paper to share my inner voice. I told Renee that despite our age difference I was an adult and the feelings I had for her were not ‘school boyish’ or meaningless infatuation. That everything in my heart was true, and if she was a woman who appreciated such a person, then maybe we could explore things further. I informed her that I had a major surgery coming up and felt the need to get things off my chest just in case something unplanned were to happen to me.

Given my love for music, I also made her a tape with some songs that helped express my feelings. Among the songs were a few from a great Surface album I had, including one which fit so well with our situation. Closer than Friends, with lyrics like:

It’s hard to explain

When you’re close to me

I get this warm sensation inside

I can’t deny this

I want to try it

Each and every time you come by Girl,

I don’t wanna lose your love

By putting my cards on the table,

You know I’m thankful,

For what we have

But I have feelings inside

They’re so strong I can’t hide

---

Here, have a listen…

So with her gift in hand, this foolish heart ignored its rapid beating and gave Renee her gift after she handed me the mail.

“This is for you. Just a little something for Valentine’s Day”.

With that captivating smile and her head tilted to the side, she thanked me. The ball was now in her court.

A few days later, around the same time as Renee’s mail delivery, a knock came at the door. You see, after handing off my intimate feelings in that Valentine’s gift the chicken shit side of me kept me in the house for a few days, hoping that Renee would leave some kind of reply in the mailbox. (Of course the hoping was for a positive reply.) From my bedroom I heard Mom answer the door. It was Renee!

I couldn’t make out what she had said, but after the door shut Mom came to my room and gave me a small gift wrapped in purple wrapping. Wow, this was definitely a positive sign!

Inside was a